Late night sleeps

11:20pm little Fleur finally sleeps… not in her usual spot. Actually half way on her own to get off the bed to go , in her words, “ Hua Hua” ( to paint). In full she said “ mama , Lai… huahua…” ( mama, come , paint)

It took her little pink doll to convinced her to stay and sleep. I should have know. She listens to her dolls and animals soft toys these days. She eats when “they” feed her, the first thing she does when she wakes in the morning ( after smiling at mama, at least I still get that *smug mama*) was to play with them and have them say good morning to her while she bestow her kisses on them.

It was a moment of desperation when I picked up little pink doll with her forever closed eyes saying ( in mandarin). “ I’m tired please stay and sleep with me, I’ll pat you to sleep” and proceed to gentle pat her on her back with little pink doll. To my surprise, little Fleur really closed her eyes and slept! I continued pat with pink doll and she stirred a little peep out at me and little ink doll as if deciding to stay or not and closed her eyes again and really slept. Phew! Another night of late night sleep.

I thought carting everyone off to the park for some soccer and playground time will help her sleep even though she woke up at 4:30pm from her nap. there were days for the past week when she napped till 5:30pm. I had wondered if she was going to sleep through the night like what little pea had done I. His baby toddler days.

Maybe we played too hard this June holidays and messed up her sleep. Not travelling overseas, and with hubby having a month long break from work, we borrowed adults bikes, installed baby seat to ride alongside the boys. We explored Coney Island and our neighbouring vicinity. It was good fun but here we are .. messed up naps and late night sleeps.

My handsome number 1

9 going ten little pea dropped his tooth this morning. He to,d me he had 3 shaky teeth then 5 minutes later while I was washing my face getting ready for our zoo photography workshop, he came calling “ mama my tooth dropped out!” Looks like one of the pre molar so cute. Still a little blood on it . I washed it , took a picture of him and his gums and kept the tooth. Sweet little Fleur took the hansalplast disinfectant spray wanting to help little pea like we always do when someone has an cut. Sweet baby girl. I asked if he wants to keep it or give to the tooth fairy. He grinned and said tooth fairy. So tonight tooth fairy should come visit.

In his usual meticulous style, he has wrapped his tooth in a little bib and tucked it inside the pillow. Cos he said mama I’m afraid I’ll stretch my arms under the pillow and swipe my tooth away..

My sweet sensible little pea. Dear tooth fairy, he deserves the very best.

Love mama.

Another part of history fades away

Earlier this week on Monday, large wreaths appeared along the road. From our vantage point, we can see a large tent erected in front of the 3 storey house along the terrace houses. Every day and every night I can’t help but stare out the window to look as the number of wreaths grew till they lined along the entire length of road, brightly lighted led new age wreaths , so grand possibly befitting the age and status of the deceased.

外婆 came over on Friday and brought along the obituary. The neighbour who passed, and the page long obituary stating almost the entire family tree. The old lady was a ripe 110. I feel sad, like a bit of our Singapore history has died together with her. I did not know her but I feel anxious knowing my very own beloved grandmother is lying in bed turning frail as the days go by. 2 years passed just like that and because of covid we haven’t been visiting her as often as I like. Like a reminder to me, to do. To act so there will be no regrets .

The time is now.

My heart still aches

Losing a dog is the hardest of all. Saw the memory I posted on Facebook when my beloved boxer passed away. It was in September 2021. Yet it seemed like just yesterday when I looked in The Eye and said good-bye, not really knowing if it’s going to be the last time I see him.

Boxer where are you? Are you in heaven. You must be because of all the good you have brought to my life?

Maybe it’s hard because I feel that I haven’t had enough time with him. My hand still remember,bears the softness of his fur on his head between his ears all the way to his nose. Like it’s him reminding me that he is still that like puppy yelping with joy when I come home from work to play ball with him. “Where’s the ball, box?!” And we run in circles round the backyard around the table, i run after you mostly, you with the ball securely held in between you teeth. I stop and you stop listening intently to see if I have sneakily changed direction.

It seemed like just that first day when I had you in the small cardboard box. Yes you were that tiny little pup. I carried you upstairs to my bedroom, with grandpa ( my father) turning round from his tv telling me I’m in trouble ( for bringing my home a dog). But they all grew to love you even the new baby in the house. He called you “gengen” and must see you every morning when he comes over to grandpa’s. You slept in my room that night when when it was morning you have cleverly escaped your box and pawing to get up on my bed. You are a clever pup. And from that night on, I am your mama. I’m a mama to the world’s sweetest dog. You boxer.

Did we visit the dog run enough? The dog run at west coast park. It’s still there. I remember one time we went and somehow you lost me when all I did was walk to the other end of the dog run thinking to let you have some free time. When I looked up, you were running up and down from the entrance to the vertical end of the park frantically, like you were looking for something. Then I realised it’s someone. Me. You thought you lost me. I shouted across the park “ Boxer!” In amusement and you stopped in your tracks, looked over and came racing towards me. I hear ‘wows’ from other doc owners sitting on the benches. And I am a proud mama just like that.

Did we go to the beach enough? I remember the first time we went, you fell sleep under my arched legs sitting under the coconut trees because you are still a baby and need your naps. But you don’t fuss, you don’t pout, you just sleep when you feel the safest, you sleep right by me as I stroke your tiny furry body feeling so blessed to have you. I still have that photo. We went a few more times probably but not many because you didn’t like the water. You didn’t like getting into the water just like you never liked having a bath. You try to shake all the water away as soon as I splashed you to soap you.

Did we go for walks enough? The green patch , okay it’s much bigger that a patch, where I used to unleash you and chase you up and down the hill, it’s chestnut close park now. The place you used to explore the tall Lalangs at the sides and guard like it’s your own. Every time I see a dog walking by I had to quickly stand by you in case you chase them down to show them whose territory it is. It’s not ours baby, but it’s in my fondest memory for sure. I hope it is in yours too.

I’m sorry we had to leave you behind with grandpa and grandma when we left for India. But so characteristically you, you bear no grudge towards us and welcome me home every time we fly home for visits even though it’s 6 months apart. If you were upset with me, you never showed it, you just lap up my presence with all your love and loyalty. Even when we came home with the little one, you were gentle, you sniffed at him, like you know he is your little brother. And then another, and then again almost 2 years ago a little sister shone you gently licked. You are the best big brother.

I remember those late nights after I came home from work. I’ll open the back kitchen door and there you will be, sleepy but always there licking my hands bending your head so I can pat you. Until i say sleepy time box and you sleepily curl up at your favourite spot to sleep. On earlier nights, but too late to play, you hurl your front paws up the kitchen sink to look at me thought the window with twinkling eyes and tongue sticking out, and a body shaking so hard because of your wagging tail, i smile, open the wooden door and rubbed you down until it’s sleepy time boxer.

Maybe it’s a guilt that I have not done enough in those last moments. You have never given us any trouble with your health growing up. You were never sick, you were never down. Even when we visited the vet to have you re micro chipped, the vet couldn’t believe you were 13 years old, she said you still behave like a puppy, so energetic so full of life.

So many should have could have would have. And these tears keep flowing,

Prayers for Ukraine

A fighter jet zooms past overhead, outside the window, vgrroomm… little Fleur scrambles into my arms as I hold her tightly against my head and comforts her with “不怕，妈妈在” – don’t be frightened, mama is here.

Maybe it’s not a fighter het but just a fast plane flying Low. Maybe it is a fighter just a routine fly by, on training, just testing out equipment. No matter what, we are safe, we are in Singapore.

Can’t say the same for war torn Ukraine. Perfectly good homes destroyed, families torn apart, perfectly good people hiding underground, little kids hurdling in bunkers with sounds and views much worse. I can imagine their mamas hugging them close and saying the same, but not really knowing if there is any truth in those words. I put myself in their shoes and feels the anxiety and fear and helplessness knowing really there isn’t much else I can do to keep the littles safe. Motherhood has made me invincible and it has also made me so vulnerable.

As if covid is not enough, why is there a need to start this war? Personal greed? National glory? It’s baffling. It’s atrocious. It is sad.

I can only pray for Ukraine and for the millions of civilians especially children. May GOD be with you.

“I am sure that if the mothers of various nations could meet, there would be no more wars.”

-EM Forester

16 going 17

Months that is..

My sweet little Fleur going from 16months to 17 months in 2 days time.

Sweet heart darling you are the sweetest. At bedtime you felt some rough skin on my toe and you looked at me with a worried look on your face and you pointed and touched my toe where the skin is rough. And you pointed asking me to put some medicine or moisturisers to make it better. Then you kissed it . You were sitting on the bed and you bent over to kiss my toe before i could stop you. Do all babies come like you? So sweet and so caring ! Mama is so touched .

At 16months the only words you speak perfectly is MAma! And mama is so blessed so honoured! But you speak so much more with your eyes and your will! You know what you want and you do everything you can to get it. You are a go-getter!

You love reading! You will drop everything if i say let’s go read “Brown Bear Brown Bear..” The full title is Brown Bear Brown Bear, What do you see? by Eric Carle. You love books with animals and will bend over to kiss them, the pictures and pat them and you hold out your little hand at them as if to feed them. Naps must almost always be accompanied with the chinese books洗刷刷！and 聚宝盆。Your new favorite is There’s wocket in my pocket by Dr Suess. You are fascinated with the della and the weller and the Geller and the Bellar in the Cellar and you also get slightly worried with the vug under the rug. You bend over andksiss thevug like a friend is better than being scary, let’s be friends!

The other day when 外婆 here, you were flipping the animals books with her andyousuddenly stood up and walked out the play room door.外婆thought you didn’t know i was in the room and went out to find me but i knew it wasn’t the case. I followed youwquietly behind and true enough, you went to the bedroom to get the panda doll because you saw the panda picture in the book and wanted to show 外婆！My clever baby! 外婆was so full of praise!

You love being part of what little pea and little crispin are playing. Andthey very loveingly try to include you in their games. Like today, while you were napping, they came up with a game using their study chair ( with wheels) and skipping rope and brought you (and mama) and then you again several more times on a horse ride, you on the chair holding the rope and they as the horses, up and down our corridor. The laughter the magic! Unless it’s lego. but even that they are coming to terms with you grabbing them creation and wanting the little lego man they put together.

You are so loved my sweet little Fleur.

We love you so very much!

Sweet little Fleur

My sweet little Fleur at 13 month and 21 days.

You can walk now ! Gingerly and slowly but surely without any hand holding! Today little crispin told me you were walking and reading a book. I found “ if you give a pig a pancake” along the corridor. I bet that’s the book you were holding and walking with , coming to mama to have me read to you.

Today is Sunday fun day but mama is a little down from the vaccine. But you were a sport! You went with papa and your sweet brothers downstairs to swim. Papa said you walked like a boss around the pool ( ok he only said you walked but I added like a boss because I know you would)

You love twinkle twinkle little stars and would put up both your hands and make the twinkling action while pushing “good night moon” book to have me flip to the page with lots of stars. You are smart like that. And so so cute!

Everyday little pea big brother tells me Meimei is so cute! Why is meimei so cute mama? Haha! Because you are ours baby girl! And we love you so much. You bring us so much joy. And you have so much fun while at it.

You know what you want and although you can’t quite sound out the words you certainly make known your will with all the sounds you can make! But mama you said with Pristine accuracy! And you started calling ah pa. Somethings you call me ah ba too. Today when I was in the bathroom with little crispin you came and knock on the door. Little pea big brother was with you outside. You knocked and hammered and called “ah baaaa” and when I came out you continue me knocking and looking in and smiled when you saw little crispin sitting on the throne and you called what sound like “ ergeeerrrr”. Big brother little pea says you called “dagerrrrr” before too. We are so so proud of you baby girl.

For the past weeks you don’t like you onesies anymore, or at least the footsies of the onesies. You “eaaaeaaaeaahh” till I help you out of them and you happily dangle your bare feet out to enjoy the cool air from the aircon. Even if I try to cover you with the blanket you found a way even with your eyes closed to kick them off and stack your bare legs on TOP of the blanket! You just want your way girl !

Your favourite meal is oxtail stew with bread. Papa had so much fun feeding you last night when mama was down with the vacccine. You love the porridge with boiled spinach and steam sweet potatoes that mama cooked for you today too. You ate it all up for lunch. You still love yogurt the one thing you would sit down quickly on your high chair for nowadays. Oh except for the ice popsicles little pea and little crispin made and have you one all for yourself. We didn’t managed to take a picture but you hold itngibgerly and near finished the whole thing. I suppose it helps with teething too? Excuses this mama ! But you really did enjoy it haha..

You love playing the piano. And you insist on having a piano book while you play. You don’t bang on the keys, you really play gently and sometimes it sounds like you are on to something.

You love pencils and you love to write scribble draw on … assessment books haha mama gave you blank papers to draw on but you will have none of it. You want only paper with words on them. Because everyday you see how little pea and little crispin write on theirs and you want in on the action. No yet baby not yet!

My favourite time of the day is your nap times where you snuggle and nursed and I get to hold you close and breathe in your baby smell while you sleep without a care in the world.

You have the softest hair in the world with soft curls at the end. I can’t bear to cut them. We have lots of clips to keep your fringe from your face but a lot of times your hair comes over your eyes but you don’t let it bother you one bit. You forge ahead eyes on the prize!

You have such sharp ears .Distant dog barks and thunder frighten you. and you crawl jump into my arms and mama holds you close because I will protect you with all my life. Then you raise your arms and swing them side to side like I do when i try to tell you the sound are from outside “外面外面！”

You learn so fast and you learn so well. Mama will work harder to be a better model for you. A sweet mama for a sweet baby girl.

Little fleur you are so loved. Most of all , Mama loves you.

A box full of love

Sunday fun day morning, little pea and little crispin went down with papa to play basketball and swim while I put little Fleur to sleep.

Came back telling me they have a present for me. “It’s in my giggle box!” Grins all around.

A box full of yellow flowers. Little pea says they picked them fro under the tree at the basket ball court . Pretty yellow flowers, a boxful for them. A box filled with love for me.

Blessed me. GOD bless little pea and little crispin my sweet hearts.

Vaccine countdown ..

In 10 hours time, i would have had my 1st jab. Pfizer. As a breast feeding mum, it is recommended either Pfizer or Moderna. It was only 3 weeks ago when i registered my interest to be vaccinated. Shortly after W.H.O announced that pregnant and breasting feeding mums are safe to take the vaccine. I waited till our Singapore expert panel followed the recommendations.

Honestly i intended to wait a little longer. But the emerging delta variant is worrying. More transmissible this new mutant. Especially for younger children. So i took a leap of faith. I registered my interest. Of course it is all science, but everyone’s body is different and this virus so new , i think some divine intervention is needed. Surprisingly or should i say not surprisingly given Singapore’s known efficiency, the vaccine date available was just a mere 2 weeks from the time i registered. i chose a friday so that’s why it came to 3 weeks.

Little Fleur turned 1 year just a week ago. and suddenly my vaccine date is upon me. Tomorrow. In less than 10 hours to be exact. I’m getting cold feet. Literally sitting under the aircon. Figuratively, a thousand thoughts race through my foggy mind. Foggy mind from waking up every 2-3 hours through the night for the past year. Am i well enough for the vaccine? Am i sleeping enough to be well enough? What if i fall under the 0.01% of those who has a strong bad reaction to the vaccine, for having a compromised immune system, from not sleeping well? i want to add an extra question mark to that. What if this is the last time i spend a proper day with my babies my little pea little crispin and little Fleur? Oh don’t be dramatic you say. ha!

I have declared 2 days of no homework in view that i will be feeling under the weather from the vaccine. Just nice 3 days of relaxation for the boys before Home base learning starts. No marking no going through the books, its holiday for me too. We have kept all the assessments books in the cupboard to be sure.

Little Fleur had her 1 year old vaccine. Interestingly the separate MMR vaccine is out of stock, had to take a combined chickenpox one. slightly less efficacy but still better than none. With all the phamacuetical turning to produce cover vaccine, all pediatrics had been forwarned about the impeding shortage.

Any way i digress. 9 hours and counting. Covid vaccine here i come.